What Is Emotional Regulation? (And Why Everyone Talks About It)

"Emotional regulation" seems to be everywhere lately. Therapists talk about it, teachers talk about it, and parenting accounts regularly use terms like "dysregulated" or "nervous system regulation."

But what does emotional regulation actually mean?

At its simplest, emotional regulation is our ability to notice, understand, and respond to emotions in ways that help us navigate what is happening around us. Emotional regulation develops throughout childhood and is influenced by relationships, experiences, development, and the environments in which children grow (Murray et al., 2015).

Being emotionally regulated does not mean being calm, happy, or agreeable all the time.

Emotional Regulation Does Not Mean "Calm"

One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional regulation is that the goal is to get rid of uncomfortable emotions. In reality, anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, and disappointment are all normal parts of being human.

Emotional regulation involves experiencing those emotions without becoming so overwhelmed that we lose access to our ability to think, communicate, problem-solve, or make choices. Children gradually develop these abilities through neurological development, experience, and supportive relationships with caregivers (Murray et al., 2015).

For example, a regulated child might say, "I'm really mad that we have to leave." They may still cry, stomp their feet, or need a few minutes before moving on. The important difference is that they are eventually able to recover and move through the feeling.

A dysregulated child may become so overwhelmed that they scream, hit, run away, shut down, or become unable to communicate what they need. The emotion itself is not necessarily the problem.

The child's current ability to manage the intensity of that emotion is what matters.

What Is Dysregulation?

Dysregulation happens when our emotional response becomes greater than our current ability to effectively manage it.

This happens to children, teenagers, and adults. Our ability to regulate emotions can also change depending on stress, fatigue, environmental demands, relationships, and previous experiences. For children who have experienced trauma or chronic stress, emotional and physiological responses may become especially sensitive to perceived threats or reminders of previous experiences (National Child Traumatic Stress Network [NCTSN], n.d.).

Sometimes dysregulation is obvious and may include yelling, crying, panic, irritability, or an emotional meltdown. Other times, it is much quieter.

Dysregulation can look like:

• Becoming unusually irritable.

• Crying more easily than usual.

• Feeling restless or unable to sit still.

• Having difficulty concentrating.

• Feeling panicked or overwhelmed.

• Becoming impulsive.

• Going quiet or withdrawing.

• Feeling numb or disconnected.

• Wanting to escape the situation.

• Feeling exhausted after holding everything together.

This is one reason emotional regulation is much more complicated than simply telling someone to "calm down." When a person is overwhelmed, calming down may not be something they can immediately choose to do.

The Window of Tolerance

Therapists sometimes use the concept of the window of tolerance to help explain emotional regulation. The concept was introduced by psychiatrist Daniel Siegel as a way of understanding the range of emotional and physiological arousal within which a person can continue to function effectively (Siegel, 2020).

Think of your window of tolerance as the emotional zone where you can experience stress while still being able to think, communicate, problem-solve, and connect with other people.

When we move above that window, we may enter a state of heightened arousal. This can look like anxiety, panic, anger, racing thoughts, yelling, restlessness, or feeling like we need to escape.

When we become overwhelmed in the opposite direction, we may experience decreased arousal or withdrawal. This can look like shutting down, feeling numb, becoming very quiet, disconnecting from others, feeling exhausted, or having difficulty thinking and responding.

Neither response automatically means someone is being dramatic, defiant, or intentionally difficult. It may simply mean that their current emotional demands have exceeded their ability to cope with them.

Children Are Not Born Knowing How to Regulate Their Emotions

We would not expect a toddler to know how to tie their shoes without being taught, yet children are sometimes expected to instinctively know what to do with anger, disappointment, anxiety, embarrassment, jealousy, or grief.

Emotional regulation is a developmental skill.

Young children especially depend on caregivers to help them manage emotions and physiological arousal before they are able to do so consistently on their own. Responsive relationships with adults play an important role in the development of children's self-regulation abilities (Murray et al., 2015).

This process is often called co-regulation. Before children can consistently regulate themselves, they

often need repeated experiences of regulation with a safe and supportive adult.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation occurs through warm, responsive relationships in which caregivers provide support, modeling, structure, and guidance that help children gradually develop their own self-regulation abilities (Murray et al., 2015).

For a child, this might look like a caregiver speaking slowly and calmly, sitting nearby, offering a hug if the child wants one, naming the emotion, reducing noise or stimulation, helping the child take a break, or maintaining a boundary without escalating the situation.

A caregiver might say, "I can see how disappointed you are. I'm right here, and we can figure this out when you're ready."

Co-regulation does not mean giving children everything they want. You can maintain a boundary and help a child regulate at the same time.

For example, you might say, "You can't hit your brother. You're allowed to be angry, and I'm going to help you find another way to show me."

Consistent, supportive relationships help children develop the ability to manage emotions and behavior more independently over time (Murray et al., 2015; Siegel & Bryson, 2020).

Adults Need Co-Regulation Too

Co-regulation is not something we simply outgrow.

Many adults feel calmer after talking to someone they trust, receiving a hug after a difficult day, or calling a friend who knows how to listen. Relationships continue to influence emotional regulation throughout our lives, and interpersonal experiences can shape how we understand and respond to emotional experiences (Siegel, 2020).

Healthy adults develop more independent regulation skills, but needing connection and support from other people does not mean someone has failed to regulate. Sometimes regulation happens independently, and other times it happens through connection.

What Actually Helps With Emotional Regulation?

There is no single coping skill that works for everyone.

Deep breathing may help one person and frustrate another. One child may regulate through movement while another needs quiet. Some people want connection when they are overwhelmed, while others need space.

The goal is to help children gradually recognize their emotional and physical cues and develop strategies that work for their individual needs.

Helpful regulation strategies might include movement or exercise, drawing, creating art, listening to music, spending time outside, taking a break from stimulation, talking with someone you trust, journaling, playing, using grounding techniques, practicing slow breathing, maintaining predictable routines, and prioritizing sleep, food, and other basic needs.

Play can be especially valuable for children because it provides a developmentally appropriate way to communicate, explore experiences, practice problem-solving, and express emotions that may be difficult to explain verbally (Landreth, 2012).

The goal is not to create a child or an adult who never becomes dysregulated. That would be unrealistic. Instead, the goal is to develop a growing toolbox of strategies that help someone recognize what is happening and eventually return to a manageable emotional state.

Regulation Comes Before Reasoning

One of the most helpful things caregivers can remember is that when someone is highly dysregulated, it is usually not the best time for a lesson.

Imagine being extremely angry and immediately being asked, "Why did you do that?" or "What should you have done differently?" Even adults can struggle to answer those questions when they are emotionally overwhelmed.

Children have an even harder time because the brain systems involved in emotional regulation, impulse control, and higher-level decision-making continue developing throughout childhood and adolescence (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, n.d.).

During intense emotional moments, focus first on safety and helping the child return to a state where they can engage. The teaching can happen later.

Once your child is regulated, you can talk about what happened, identify the feeling, problem-solve, repair relationships, and practice what they might do differently next time.

Emotional Regulation Is Not About Raising "Easy" Kids

Teaching emotional regulation is not about teaching children to become quieter, more compliant, or easier for adults to manage. It is about helping them understand themselves.

Over time, we want children to be able to recognize statements such as, "My body feels overwhelmed," "I'm getting angry," "This room is too loud for me," "I need a break," "I'm worried," or "I need help."

Developing these skills supports children's ability to manage emotions and behavior, maintain relationships, solve problems, and adapt to challenges (Murray et al., 2015).

The goal is not obedience. The goal is awareness, communication, and an increasing ability to respond to emotions effectively.

When Emotional Regulation Is Especially Difficult

Some children and adults have a harder time with emotional regulation than others.

A person's ability to regulate can be influenced by many factors, including ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma, chronic stress, sensory differences, major life transitions, sleep difficulties, developmental differences, and environmental stressors.

For example, children who have experienced trauma may respond strongly to situations that remind their brains or bodies of previous danger, even when the current environment is safe (NCTSN, n.d.).

Difficulty regulating emotions does not automatically mean someone has a mental health diagnosis. However, when emotional dysregulation frequently interferes with school, work, relationships, family life, or everyday functioning, additional support may be helpful.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help children, teens, and adults better understand their emotions, identify triggers, recognize body cues, and develop coping strategies that work for their individual needs.

For children, this work may happen through play, art, movement, games, and conversations rather than sitting on a couch talking about feelings for an entire session. Play therapy recognizes play as a natural and developmentally appropriate form of communication for children (Landreth, 2012).

Therapists can also work with caregivers to identify patterns and build co-regulation strategies that can be practiced at home.

The goal is not perfect regulation. It is greater awareness, flexibility, recovery, and confidence in navigating difficult emotions.

You Do Not Have to Be Calm All the Time

Perhaps the most important thing to understand about emotional regulation is that emotionally healthy people still experience big emotions.

They still get angry, anxious, overwhelmed, disappointed, and sad. They may cry, need a break, or ask for support from someone they trust.

Emotional regulation is not about never losing your cool. It is about gradually learning to recognize what your mind and body need and developing the skills to find your way back.

At Premier Psychotherapy, we help children, teens, adults, and families better understand their emotional experiences and develop regulation strategies that work for their individual needs. The goal is not to eliminate big feelings. It is to feel more confident navigating them.

References

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). Executive function & self-

regulation. Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-

concepts/executive-function/

Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., Christopoulos, C., & Hamoudi, A. (2015). Self-regulation and

toxic stress: Foundations for understanding self-regulation from an applied developmental

perspective. OPRE Report #2015-21, Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). About child trauma.

https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/about-child-trauma

Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Ballantine Books.